Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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