After last night, I could never be a politician.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
