I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
