Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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