im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
