You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
