at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
