How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
