I am full of burrito and curiosity
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
