Three words: puerto rican gang bang
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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