his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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