Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
