Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
