I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
