No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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