tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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