I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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