just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
