I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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