I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
