i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
