Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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