Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
