when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
