I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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