So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
