remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
