I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
