At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
