batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Green mimosas i think yes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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