there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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