Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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