I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Drunk is not a location!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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