If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she pinky promised me she was 18
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
