Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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