what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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