alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
