So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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