she woke up with a sticky ear
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
