my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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