ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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