I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
