You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
