the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
