he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
