Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
