he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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