Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
