so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
