I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
