I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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